The New Vak 425 Pathetic Joke Corner

[The Purple Cow]

Q: What goes "clip-clop clip-clop BANG! clip-clop clip-clop"?

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

[The Purple Cow]

Q:- What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: - A carrot.

[SE6Ajacied]

Another entry for the nutter of the year show :D

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Help-me-get-1-Mil ... dZViewItem

(although seeing what he says about Coronation Street (dreary Northern soap opera for those who don't know) I suppose you could argue that he is quite sane.....)

[SE6Ajacied]

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"
"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says: "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards".

[Manneken Pis]

The following squads have just been announced for the 2006 World Cup



BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006
Pinnochio

Libero

Vimto Memento Borneo Tango

Cheerio Subbuteo

Scenario Fellatio

Portfolio

SUBS:

Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
Hydrochlorofluoro
Aristotle
Computersezno

YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006
Itch

Annoyingitch Hardtoreachitch Scratchanitch

Hic Sic Spic Pric

Digaditch Fallinaditch

Horseraditch

SUBS:

Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
Shagabitch



RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

Whodyanicabolicov

Ticlycov Chesticov Nasticov

Slalomsky Downhillsky

Risky Swedishshev Mastershev

Fuckov Ufuckov

SUBS:

Rubitov
Gechakitov
Sodov
Pastryshev
Najinsky
Ivorripabollockov
Taykitov



ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006
Chatanoogaciouciou

Atishiou Blessiou Thankyiou

Busqueue Snookercu

Pennyciou Twoapennyciou Fourapennyciou

I'llgetciou Youandwhosarmi

SUBS:

U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou
Lee Kwan Yu




SWEDISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006
Toomanigoalssen

Tryandstopussen Crapdefenssen Haveagossen

Firstsson Seccondsson

Thirdsson

Legshurtssen Notroubleseeingussen

Wherestheballssen Getthebeerssen

SUBS:

Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen




ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006
Baloni

Potbelli Beerbelli Giveitsumwelli

Wotsontelli Yrarseissmelli Onetoomani

Legslikejelli Havabenni

Wobblijelli Spendapenni

SUBS:

Cantthinkofani!!!

Buggermi





MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

San Francisco

Costa Brava Hopelez Juan Andonly

Manuel Gearbox

Don Criformi-Argentina Skrewdigalz Luis Canon Sombrero

Chihuahua Jose

SUBS:

Jesus Maria Don Key
Burrito
Speedy Gonzalez
Tequila
Caramba


DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006
Kenning van Hire

Van Diemansland Van der Valk Van Gard Van
Erealdizeez

Ad van Tagus Hertz van Rental Transit van Dors

Van Coova Van Sprokendown Aye van Hoe

SUBS:

Van Iller
Van Ishincreme
Van Morrison


Two players who are not included are Russian hard-man Sendimov, who will be
serving a three-month suspension, and the hard-working Mexican midfielder,
Manuel Labor.

There is no place in the Dutch squad for lesbian tranny, Dick van Dyke.

The young Dutch star Per Vert has been excluded from the squad, after he was
discovered in the back streets of Amsterdam with his finger in a dyke.

[AsgAarD_xxx]

Really good one: IF PREMIERSHIP CLUBS WERE WOMEN

Arsenal London -> Angelina Jolie - Look good, a bit
maverick at times and you know they can kick your ass if they want to.

Aston Villa -> Dido - One big hit. Fairly
inoffensive really.

Birmingham City -> Maria Carey - Occasionally
interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are
thick.

Blackburn Rovers -> Melanie Sykes - Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers -> Natalie Imbruglia - Always
looks like she might go down but never does!

Charlton Athletic -> Martine McCutcheon -Chirpy
Cockney with the ability to spring a few
surprises!

Chelsea -> Maggie Thatcher - Hated by millions,
supported by idiots!

Everton -> Barbara Windsor - Been laughing at those
tits so long we forget that once upon a time they
actually looked quite good!

Fulham -> Andrea Corr - Not bad to look at but not
much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame.

Leicester City -> Patsy Palmer - Generally a bit
crap and second rate really, but some people like
her.

Leeds United -> Christina Aguilera - Dirrrty.

Liverpool -> Sophie Ellis Bextor - Individually all
the components look fantastic - just doesn't work
when put together.

Man City -> Madonna - Have been big at times - now
lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home
though.

Man United -> Katie Price Jordan - Dominated by tits. Quite
repulsive really.

Middlesborough -> Tara Palmer Tompkinson - Can look
quite good at the back - but nothing at all up
front to speak of.

Newcastle United -> Pamela Anderson - Can look
good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth -> Chrissie Hynde - On the face of it a
has-been but you're quite interested in what she's
going to do next.

Southampton -> Kylie Minogue - Sometimes you feel
sorry for them, They're not huge and you've got a
bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham Hotspur -> Kim Wilde - Glamerous in the
80's not so nice to watch now.

Wolverhampton Wanderers -> Lynda Lovelace - Big in
the 70's guaranteed to go down.

[DanK]

Meanwhile back in Italy ...

An Australian man has been arrested in Italy for an assault on a local man following the football match between Australia and Italy.

Witnesses say the Australian man was 20m away when the incident happened.

The victim fell, suffered a fractured skull, had a cardiac arrest and has developed diabetes as a result of the incident.

He is expected to recover in a few minutes

[jakobg]

Good one! :D

[SE6Ajacied]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here."

[SE6Ajacied]

A Woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."!!!!!

[Kowalczyk]

Q: What does a Feyenoord fan do when Feyenoord just beat Katwijk?

A: Switching off his Playstation.

K.

[Ayman]

Q: What is the difference between 10 downing street and Feyenoord's defense?

A: Not many people walk through 10 downing street

Q: What is the difference between Feyenoord and a buck of shit?

A: A bucket!

[AsgAarD_xxx]

- I`m Watt.
- What`s your name?
- Watt`s my name.
- Yes, what`s your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you Jones?
- No I`m Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott.
- What?

[Manneken Pis]

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.
With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands

"Dear Mum and Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've
eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice,
especially with all his piercing, scars, tattoos, and his big
Motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Joe said that
we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have
many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing
it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all
the Cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray
for science to find the AIDS cure, so Joe gets better. He deserves
it.

Don't worry about money. Joe has arranged for me to be in films
that his friends Leroy and Tony make in their basement. Apparently I
can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three
men in the scene and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry
Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday
I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter, Aimee

PS: Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I
Just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than
ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN"

[SPL]

Today's silly rumour in the English press deserves to be in this thread.

The People(a downmarket rag) quotes Portsmouth want KJH. true they have a Russian owner but so far have bought for nothing 2 old England has beens in Sol Campbell and DavidJames(a crap goalie) They have a run down ground and will be lucky to avoid the drop.

They may get Charisteas if they are lucky but this story is worthy of the silly jokes posting.

[aveslacker]

Today's silly rumour in the English press deserves to be in this thread.

The People(a downmarket rag) quotes Portsmouth want KJH. true they have a Russian owner but so far have bought for nothing 2 old England has beens in Sol Campbell and DavidJames(a crap goalie) They have a run down ground and will be lucky to avoid the drop.

They may get Charisteas if they are lucky but this story is worthy of the silly jokes posting.

$60 million pounds and not a penny less. :headbang: :D

[Van der Vaart]

First guy says : Hey ,I am Canadian and I can kill you right now

the other says : Can What ?

The first one says : Canadian



LOL

[Manneken Pis]

Some jokes....
*
*
An Eskimo was in his canoe, freezing cold. So he lit a fire.
The canoe caught fire and sank, and the Eskimo drowned.
Well, you can't have your kyak and heat it.
*
*
Q) Why did Uhuru quit Star Trek?
A) Because William Shatner.
*
*
I went to the zoo the other day and there was only one exhibit, a dog. It was a shitzhu.
*
*
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
*
*
Billy: Mommy? Is God man and woman and black and white?
Mom: Of course Billy.
Billy: Mommy?...
Mom: Yes, BIlly?
Billy: Is Michael Jackson God?
*
*
:D

[Manneken Pis]

And while were at it...how's this for an Irish solution to an Irish problem....

http://community-2.webtv.net/@HH!3B!01! ... urphysLaw/

:biggrin:

[DanK]

Apologies to my Irish friends... ;)

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning, when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[ZoefdeHaas]

Son asks his father "Dad, may I have some chips please?" Father says "Can your dick reach your ass?" "no" "then sorry son you cant have some.

Next day, son asks "Dad, can I watch the movie with you?" "can your dick reach up your ass? " "no" "then sorry son."

Dad sees the Son having cake and asks "Hey son may I have some?" "Can your dick reach your ass Dad?" "Why yes!"

"Then go fuck yourself."

[raymon]

And while were at it...how's this for an Irish solution to an Irish problem....

http://community-2.webtv.net/@HH!3B!01! ... urphysLaw/

:biggrin:

The last pic is photoshop'd..

[Manneken Pis]

And while were at it...how's this for an Irish solution to an Irish problem....

http://community-2.webtv.net/@HH!3B!01! ... urphysLaw/

:biggrin:

The last pic is photoshop'd..

Yeah...I reealised that after I posted...but it's still funny... ;)

[Over Pasanens Head]

I am very concerned that the level of jokes on this thread has risen to an unacceptable high level. For gods sake the thread title includes in it the word "pathetic" as a clue.

Anyway to bring it back to its correct level here is an offering:-

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.What's that big brass gong for one of the guests asked. Why, that's my Speaking Clock, the man replied.How does it work, asked the guest.I'll show you, the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!

[Monkey Tonk]

This isn't funny, not really (I think), but did you know that a cursing Dutchman instead of 'god damn it' will say 'god damn me'?!

Instead of cursing the whole world he curses himself. It works too.