The New Vak 425 Pathetic Joke Corner

[ofey]

How Can I sleep With Your Voice Inside My Head?

Lyrics from A-Ha?

[ofey]

Oh and keeping with the topic "Pathetic Jokes".

How about "Ajax Amsterdam in Europe 2007-2008"?

[SE6Ajacied]

How Can I sleep With Your Voice Inside My Head?

Lyrics from A-Ha?

Yes that's right.

[aveslacker]

Oh and keeping with the topic "Pathetic Jokes".

How about "Ajax Amsterdam in Europe 2007-2008"?

Sadly, that's not the first time that a joke like that has been posted on this thread.

[Manneken Pis]

There's often stuff on the media about the American's lack of geographical knowledge e.t.c. Here's a taste of British general knowledge.......


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC 2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi´s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ´cherrypickers´ and
´cheesemongers´?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They´re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn´t my strong point.
Theakston: There´s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don´t know.
White: I´ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you´re not weak, you´re...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten´s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let´s try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don´t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ´J´ is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don´t know, I wasn´t watching it then.


MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let´s put it this way - he didn´t see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What´s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don´t know.
Phil: I´ll give you a clue. It´s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.


FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I´m sorry, I don´t know the names of any countries in Spain.


RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen: In which
country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it´s not in Scotland, is it?


THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I´m looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes
the letter ´e´.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It´s an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world´s largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.


JAMES O´BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O´Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er
....
three?


RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek
goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg´s?


BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn´t hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?


DARYL DENHAM´S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It´s a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ´K´ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It´s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which ´S´ is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80
tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with ´S´ and rhymes with ´perm´.
Contestant: Shark.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

[Philippe]

THE VAULT

Melanie van Sykes: What is the name of the person in charge of AFC Ajax ?
Contestant: Jaakke.

[carcajou]

I'd crack one about England, but you know what they say.... You don't kick a blind crippled retarded man while he's down

[Manneken Pis]

I'd crack one about England, but you know what they say.... You don't kick a blind crippled retarded man while he's down

The England players don't need any help making fools of themselves....

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/2511_sex_shame.shtml

[Over Pasanens Head]

I'd crack one about England, but you know what they say.... You don't kick a blind crippled retarded man while he's down

The England players don't need any help making fools of themselves....

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/2511_sex_shame.shtml

Shame on you MP. You should be ashamed of yourself picking a group of our community who find difficulty in behaving in a normal civilised fashion due to them missing out of, presumably at birth, a lot of brain cells.

[The Purple Cow]

A little girl and a little boy are playing in a park.

The little boy, feeling the need to urinate, says to the girl "I need a wee. I'm going to go behind that bush, there. You stay here." So he goes behind the bush, gets his willy out and starts peeing.

Almost immediately the little girl appears at his side, staring at his penis as he pisses. She says "My Daddy has got two of those." The boy is startled and says "I told you to stay over there!" as he desperately tries to hide and then put away his member. Then the enormity of what the girl had said sinks in and he demands in dismay "Two willies?!? How come?"

The little girl replies "Well, he's got a little one he goes to toilet with and a big one he cleans the au pair's teeth with."

[SE6Ajacied]

I wasn't sure where to post this. From here http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_o ... 126996.stm in honour of our former player.......

"I am the Music Man.
I come from far away.
And I can play (what can you play?)
I Play The Pienaar!
Pi Pi Pienaaaaaar!"
Everton's new song for Steven Pienaar, to the tune of The Music Man - Black Lace

[SE6Ajacied]

The Health Minister is touring a hospital and being shown around the various wards and departments by a team of dignitaries and doctors.

He goes to the first ward which he quickly realises is the Accident Ward. There are patients with various bumps and scrapes etc. He talks to a few people and moves on. The next ward is full of children and their parents so again he moves around, shaking hands with the parents and trying to tell joks to the kids.

The third ward is a bit more of a mystery to him. He walks in and a man in bandages stops him at the door, calling out "And maun I still on Menie doat, And bear the scorn that's in her ee? For it's jet, jet black, an' it's like a hawk, An' it winna let a body be!"

The minister is truly perplexed but smiles and moves on. A second patients beckons him and tells him "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin-race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace As lang's my arm.".

It goes on and after a while the politician is totally confused. He turns to the senior doctor looking puzzled and asks in a staged whisper, "What is this, some kind of mental ward?".































Oh no says the doctor "This is the Burns Unit"

(I'll close the door on my way out Courtesy of Robert Burns)

[AsgAarD_xxx]

[Philippe]

that's a famous T-shi(r)t, difficult to wear though

[raymon]

George Bush dies and goes to hell. Now Satan escorts him around and shows him what his punishment options are to be. They go by 1 room and a man’s eyelids are glued open and he is being forced to stare in a bright lamp. Bush says, “Hell no.” So they proceed to the next room, and in that room is Monica Lewinsky giving Bill a blowjob. Bush, like many other guys, surely enjoys to be fellated, so he chooses that as his punishment. Satan then says, “Fine, Monica you can go. George will take over.”

[Kowalczyk]

Re-posting...

this should be the new squad!!!

yeah sure, they need to lose a couple of KGs, but.........


http://www.ajaxinternettv.nl/index.php? ... t&catid=20

K.

[SE6Ajacied]

Re-posting...

this should be the new squad!!!

yeah sure, they need to lose a couple of KGs, but.........


http://www.ajaxinternettv.nl/index.php? ... t&catid=20

K.

That's good. I didn't sign up to the pay version of Ajax TV so I'd not paid it much attention as last time I looked it was mainly interviews (in Dutch) that you could get for free.

I'll have to look a bit more now I know they have match highlights without commentary I'll definately watch - makes a change from Setanta's "interesting" pronunciations which get a bit grating.

Does anyone know, is this stuff always on there for free or is this just some sort of trial period?

[The Purple Cow]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I
could drive a truck.

[Cedric]

Does anyone know, is this stuff always on there for free or is this just some sort of trial period?

It's definitely free. I think they started since the beginning of the season, at least (?). I don't exactly remember but it has been working for a long time now.
The videos are also on Youtube : http://www.youtube.com/user/ajax

Highlights are shorter than those of Ultrasuid, but they have every game, including Stuttgart for example.

[The Purple Cow]

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says
to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do ye have
any books on suicide?"

The librarian looks up and says,
"Fuck off! Ye'll no bring it back!"

[bryan]

I asked my friend if he believed in life after death. "Why of course," replied my friend, "how else could I have been born 13 months after my father died?"

[SE6Ajacied]

The old ones are the best....

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

[The Purple Cow]

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks into the store again, and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here three times now asking for grapes. I've told you no every time, we haven't got any grapes! If you come in again asking for grapes, I swear I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck leaves, returns the next day, and asks, "Do you have any nails?"

"No."

"Good! Do you have any grapes?"

[Tom_]

OK. Time to contribute my favourite joke:

A blonde girl walks into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre, so the barman gives her one.

[The Purple Cow]

You didn't check the previous page did you, chugger?