According to The Sun Manchester United's bid for Nigel de Jong is 500,000 pounds.
K.
The New Vak 425 Pathetic Joke Corner
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SE6Ajacied
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Ko has beaten me to it. I have just seen on teletex that Moanure have offered 750000Euros for Nigel and decided it needs to be in this jokes post.
Moanure do not appear to have big money for transfers and would love to buy Nigel on the cheap. If Spurs are to pay £2.5 m for De Ridder then the scum will need to come up with somewhere near £10m for Nigel. ( This figure is not a joke)
Sadly we are dealing with an Ajax board that sold one of the best strikers in the world for £ 10m so who knows!!!!
Moanure do not appear to have big money for transfers and would love to buy Nigel on the cheap. If Spurs are to pay £2.5 m for De Ridder then the scum will need to come up with somewhere near £10m for Nigel. ( This figure is not a joke)
Sadly we are dealing with an Ajax board that sold one of the best strikers in the world for £ 10m so who knows!!!!
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Over Pasanens Head
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 ft 2 inches tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What did you say to me again?"
The man says, "I saw the way you were looking at me so I figured I'd
just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7' 2" tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is
Turner Brown."
The little guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 ft 2 inches tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What did you say to me again?"
The man says, "I saw the way you were looking at me so I figured I'd
just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7' 2" tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is
Turner Brown."
The little guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
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The Purple Cow
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AsgAarD_xxx
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:D Nice one.The Purple Cow schreef:Q. How do Australian parents bring up their kids?
A. By sticking their fingers down a dingo's throat
Some of these are lame, some are quite funny:
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.
None of them get through spell-check.
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until yourealize that it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when hey come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a large spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
This is a classic, but.....
"Mr. Rosenstein was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simpson, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Simpson gasped, and then said, "Mr. Rosenstein, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.
Mr. Rosenstein then called on Miss Leery and asked the same question. Miss Leery, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Rosenstein. "And now, Miss Simpson, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
"Mr. Rosenstein was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simpson, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Simpson gasped, and then said, "Mr. Rosenstein, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.
Mr. Rosenstein then called on Miss Leery and asked the same question. Miss Leery, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Rosenstein. "And now, Miss Simpson, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
meh :|
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The Purple Cow
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xi. And lo, did'st the Pope, the Dalai Lama, Bill Gates, and a student uponst his "gappe year" did findst themselves upon a light aircraft traversing the Alpes.
x. And it came to pass that the engine did cut out, leaving the aeroplane to coast, in most divers and hazardous fashion.
xi. And Lo! Dids't the pilot egress from his cabin, depositing three parachutes on the ground, and, spake, "There's four parachutes, I've got one, decide who gets the other three"
xii. And, thus having spake, his jump out of the door.
xiii. Quoth the Dalai Lama. "My peoples are still under the tyranny and yoke of the Chinese People's Army. I must survive and rescue them, " and on saying that, did also depart.
xiv. Then spake Bill Gates. "I'm the cleverest man in the World. Corporations depend upon me. I must survive". And also, verily did he strappeth upon himself a parachute, and dids't depart the aircraft.
xv. Dids't then the Pope and the student wroth much, given there was but one parachute left.
xvi. And thus spaketh the Holy Father to the student. "My son, I have had a rich and fulfilled life in the service of God. I know I can go to meet my Lord and maker in the the sure and certain knowledge of resurrection"
xvii. And dids't the Pope removeth from his finger his ring, and handest itth to the student, spaking, "When you survive, take this ring to the Holy City of Rome, and present it to the Vicar of Rome, so that he may present it to my successor. Go, with the my blessings and the Grace of God, the Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour, and of the Holy Spirit my son"
xviii. And verily, dids't then the student hand back the ring and parachute to the Pope, and Lo! Dids't strappeth upon his own back another parachute.
xix. And he spaketh thus. "Keep your ring, father, and take this parachute also. For the 'cleverest man in the World' has jumped out of the 'plane with my rucksack on his back"
Here endeth the lesson.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
x. And it came to pass that the engine did cut out, leaving the aeroplane to coast, in most divers and hazardous fashion.
xi. And Lo! Dids't the pilot egress from his cabin, depositing three parachutes on the ground, and, spake, "There's four parachutes, I've got one, decide who gets the other three"
xii. And, thus having spake, his jump out of the door.
xiii. Quoth the Dalai Lama. "My peoples are still under the tyranny and yoke of the Chinese People's Army. I must survive and rescue them, " and on saying that, did also depart.
xiv. Then spake Bill Gates. "I'm the cleverest man in the World. Corporations depend upon me. I must survive". And also, verily did he strappeth upon himself a parachute, and dids't depart the aircraft.
xv. Dids't then the Pope and the student wroth much, given there was but one parachute left.
xvi. And thus spaketh the Holy Father to the student. "My son, I have had a rich and fulfilled life in the service of God. I know I can go to meet my Lord and maker in the the sure and certain knowledge of resurrection"
xvii. And dids't the Pope removeth from his finger his ring, and handest itth to the student, spaking, "When you survive, take this ring to the Holy City of Rome, and present it to the Vicar of Rome, so that he may present it to my successor. Go, with the my blessings and the Grace of God, the Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour, and of the Holy Spirit my son"
xviii. And verily, dids't then the student hand back the ring and parachute to the Pope, and Lo! Dids't strappeth upon his own back another parachute.
xix. And he spaketh thus. "Keep your ring, father, and take this parachute also. For the 'cleverest man in the World' has jumped out of the 'plane with my rucksack on his back"
Here endeth the lesson.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I laugh my ass off each time I read those (don't understand all of them though.....) :
DAVE GROHL'S TOP TEN DRUMMER JOKES
1. What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
2. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
3. What is the difference between a chiropidist and Ginger Baker?
A chiropidist bucks up your feet
4. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.
5. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
6. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
7. How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
8. What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
9. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.
10. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
(sound of Grohl having last laugh)
DAVE GROHL'S TOP TEN DRUMMER JOKES
1. What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
2. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
3. What is the difference between a chiropidist and Ginger Baker?
A chiropidist bucks up your feet
4. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.
5. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
6. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
7. How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
8. What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
9. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.
10. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
(sound of Grohl having last laugh)
meh :|
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Over Pasanens Head
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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day;
he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and
in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner,
we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses,
Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in
front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes
he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and
in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner,
we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses,
Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in
front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
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The Purple Cow
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Over Pasanens Head
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aveslacker
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Needs a login. Do you have one?Over Pasanens Head schreef:http://www.cpfc.org/forums/attachment.p ... id=3020311
AFC Ajax
Landskampioen 2013-2014
Landskampioen 2013-2014
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Over Pasanens Head
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Try Vak425 and Coppellaveslacker schreef:Needs a login. Do you have one?Over Pasanens Head schreef:http://www.cpfc.org/forums/attachment.p ... id=3020311
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
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aveslacker
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That's a good one. :cheer:Over Pasanens Head schreef:Try Vak425 and Coppellaveslacker schreef:Needs a login. Do you have one?Over Pasanens Head schreef:http://www.cpfc.org/forums/attachment.p ... id=3020311
AFC Ajax
Landskampioen 2013-2014
Landskampioen 2013-2014
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bluedaddy19
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The Purple Cow
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The Purple Cow
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Apparently Silvio Berlusconi met up with Tony Blair while the PM was on his Tuscan holiday, and Blair has offered A.C. Milan the services of David Blunkett as coach. As Blair said to Berlusconi...
"David doesn't know a lot about football, but he sure as hell knows how to hang onto a lead".
<ka-boom, tish>
"David doesn't know a lot about football, but he sure as hell knows how to hang onto a lead".
<ka-boom, tish>
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SE6Ajacied
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Over Pasanens Head
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This little old lady goes to the doctor and says
"Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas... although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing. :D
"Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas... although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing. :D
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
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Kowalczyk
- Moderator English Section
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Oasis interview
Readers of NME could submit their questions for the Big Readers' Interview with Oasis. Here are a few of the highlights.
Noel, you sounded almost like Thom Yorke when you explained the meaning behind the album title Don't Believe The Truth.
F. Jackson, St. Ives
Liam: "Listen, as long as we don't fuckin' look like the little cunt. That's all I fucking care about. Sounding like him is alright. Just as long as we never look like the googly-eyed little fucker. Next question."
How many pints had you drunk before that Wembley show in 2000?
Julie Marsh, West Brom
Liam: "Are they talking about me? Is that a boy or a girl?"
NME: It's a girl. Julie Marsh.
Liam: "July March? Fuckin' rubbish name!"
Noel: "It's not July, you cunt. It's Julie."
Liam: "I don't care. Fucking rubbish name anyway."
Is The Killers vs The Bravery the new Oasis vs Blur?
Mandy Wilkins, Gordonbrownshire
Liam: "They're all dicks in fucking weird clothes, as far as I'm concerned."
Noel: "The Killers are cool, man. The Bravery are fucking atrocious. Those quiffs are appalling."
Liam: "They're both dodgy if you ask me. Pink fuckin' dinner jackets? What the fuck's that all about then? Marc Almond, man. Marc Almond. That's all I'm saying."
If you could make a dream band out of various members of other bands (dead or alive), who would you choose?
Valeria Di Giorgi, Italy
Noel (points at Liam): "Six of him! That would be his dream band. He'd be like: 'Me singing, me on guitar, me playing drums, me playing bass, me playing keyboards, me as the roadie, me tour managing, me in the fucking crowd...'"
Liam: "And me interviewing meself! Fucking love it!"
Noel, do you still hate the Beach Boys? You should give 'em a go, they're quite good!
Dan Mcleod, Dundee
Noel: "I fucking loathe them. Barbershop quarter music. Rubbish. Six tunes they've got, and the only reason why they're as big as they are is because they're racked next to The Beatles in HMV. They are FUCKING SHIT. Fucking whatshisname (Brian Wilson, ed.) is a fucking cabbage. Genius? My arse!"
Andy Bell: "I'm shaking my head now..."
Noel: "He hates them too! Really! They didn't even write their own lyrics. End of fucking story. Geezer who writes the tunes didn't write the words? And the rest of them didn't play on the records? Fuck off, they're shit."
And here's a quick little interview that I saw on telly...
Liam, what about U2 then?
Liam: "Wankers."
But they're still very serious and sincere about their music, you have to admit.
Liam: "Problem is: it's fucking shit music, innit?"
Do you really have no sympathy for them? I mean: they've been going for 25 years or more and they still analyze every gig with each other. Now there's true devotion for you...
Liam: "Oh yeah? Now there's some true fucking bollocks for you, is what I say. Analyze gigs? Fuck off! What the fuck's that all about then? 'Hey Edge, that one chord you played was a bit off-key!' 'Oh, sorry Bono, thanks for analyzing that with me'. Piss the fuck off. Wankers."
Give the blokes a statue! Or a No(b)el Prize or whatever. :D :headbang:
K.
Noel, you sounded almost like Thom Yorke when you explained the meaning behind the album title Don't Believe The Truth.
F. Jackson, St. Ives
Liam: "Listen, as long as we don't fuckin' look like the little cunt. That's all I fucking care about. Sounding like him is alright. Just as long as we never look like the googly-eyed little fucker. Next question."
How many pints had you drunk before that Wembley show in 2000?
Julie Marsh, West Brom
Liam: "Are they talking about me? Is that a boy or a girl?"
NME: It's a girl. Julie Marsh.
Liam: "July March? Fuckin' rubbish name!"
Noel: "It's not July, you cunt. It's Julie."
Liam: "I don't care. Fucking rubbish name anyway."
Is The Killers vs The Bravery the new Oasis vs Blur?
Mandy Wilkins, Gordonbrownshire
Liam: "They're all dicks in fucking weird clothes, as far as I'm concerned."
Noel: "The Killers are cool, man. The Bravery are fucking atrocious. Those quiffs are appalling."
Liam: "They're both dodgy if you ask me. Pink fuckin' dinner jackets? What the fuck's that all about then? Marc Almond, man. Marc Almond. That's all I'm saying."
If you could make a dream band out of various members of other bands (dead or alive), who would you choose?
Valeria Di Giorgi, Italy
Noel (points at Liam): "Six of him! That would be his dream band. He'd be like: 'Me singing, me on guitar, me playing drums, me playing bass, me playing keyboards, me as the roadie, me tour managing, me in the fucking crowd...'"
Liam: "And me interviewing meself! Fucking love it!"
Noel, do you still hate the Beach Boys? You should give 'em a go, they're quite good!
Dan Mcleod, Dundee
Noel: "I fucking loathe them. Barbershop quarter music. Rubbish. Six tunes they've got, and the only reason why they're as big as they are is because they're racked next to The Beatles in HMV. They are FUCKING SHIT. Fucking whatshisname (Brian Wilson, ed.) is a fucking cabbage. Genius? My arse!"
Andy Bell: "I'm shaking my head now..."
Noel: "He hates them too! Really! They didn't even write their own lyrics. End of fucking story. Geezer who writes the tunes didn't write the words? And the rest of them didn't play on the records? Fuck off, they're shit."
And here's a quick little interview that I saw on telly...
Liam, what about U2 then?
Liam: "Wankers."
But they're still very serious and sincere about their music, you have to admit.
Liam: "Problem is: it's fucking shit music, innit?"
Do you really have no sympathy for them? I mean: they've been going for 25 years or more and they still analyze every gig with each other. Now there's true devotion for you...
Liam: "Oh yeah? Now there's some true fucking bollocks for you, is what I say. Analyze gigs? Fuck off! What the fuck's that all about then? 'Hey Edge, that one chord you played was a bit off-key!' 'Oh, sorry Bono, thanks for analyzing that with me'. Piss the fuck off. Wankers."
Give the blokes a statue! Or a No(b)el Prize or whatever. :D :headbang:
K.
Still alive...